


lie to yourself about this

by Zilliannie



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula/Ty Lee as a not so positive dynamic, F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Character of Color, Past Abuse, Sexuality Crisis, past tyzula
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 12:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11668749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zilliannie/pseuds/Zilliannie
Summary: ...  and you will forever lie about everything.Do you think Ty Lee knows she’s gay?





	lie to yourself about this

Do you think Ty Lee knows she’s gay? Or does Azula just seem all encompassing. Inevitable as the sun pulling a comet into its orbit. And maybe the comet burns up in the atmosphere of the planet it lands on but it’s warm for a moment or two. Better than the cold of space where no one cares about one of many floating rocks.

Ty Lee tried to get away once. She ran and ran but Azula found her. Azula made it clear there was no other destiny but the one a Princess picked out.

She’s too small to imagine any other girl taking up that space Azula carved out of her. She can’t even stop her smile when Azula digs her nails into skin. 

She knows that she’s afraid. She knows that she’s mesmerized. There’s no room to think about ‘why’.

Even free of her Ty Lee feels an ache in her jaw. She’s still walking the high wire and waiting for someone to set it on fire.

There is life after Azula. She has to remember that.

 

\--

 

Does Suki have to smudge her make-up before it hits her?

At first Ty Lee feels like an invader on Kyoshi Island. Even wearing the same warrior uniform as all the others, the same warrior makeup as all the others, this is not her home. Suki especially is a stranger, she knew Ty Lee as an enemy but they never had the long talks in prison cells she had with the others. Those nights when the world was pitch black and they talked about fingernail polish to pretend they weren’t crying.

Suki has them all training as hard as they can. When Ty Lee teaches chi blocking she asks so many questions that Ty Lee forgets that she is an expert. She’d been too shy to ask her sifu the full nuances that Suki wanted.

Suki always offers her half of any snack. Suki offers to rebraid her hair when it starts to unravel.

For a long time she can’t tell if Suki likes her or if this is how all leaders behave.

The two of them staying up late to practice a kata one night turns into the two of them giggling in a heap on the floor when Suki trips them both on the final movement. They talk for hours about nothing there on the dojo mats, but then Suki is smiling at her- and Ty Lee has finally _stopped_ smiling and-

Kissing Suki feels like, oh, she can’t quite explain. Her aura shifts and pulls the light around her; even with her eyes closed she can feel it flicker bluebluepinkpink ** _red_** as each kiss comes to a crescendo.

Suki talks about what being a warrior means to her, about their foremothers who all kissed each other in stories historians don’t write down, about secret societies of ladies who find each other over and over and over again. Suki wants to be kissed on the cheek and hold hands in public. Suki is seeped in history.

Suki writes letters to Sokka telling him exactly what she does when they’re apart.

Oh, thinks Ty Lee. You can kiss as many girls as you like as long as you have a boyfriend who matters most. She is smiling and running before her head knows where her heart is taking her.

Exceptional, that’s all. It was an exceptional experience. It doesn’t say anything at all.

Suki knows the way a face, a smile, can be a mask. She says a prayer at the shrine of Kyoshi and lets her go.

 

\--

 

Another chance at epiphany then. Does Toph Beifong have to grin sharp and wide for Ty Lee to see?

Sight, Toph would say, is pretty overrated.

They’re looking for a fugitive Sandbender outside of Taku. Toph could take him on her own, to hear Toph tell it she could take on five, but she invites Ty Lee along anyway.

It felt strange to be hunting someone down again. Ty Lee knew it was different, this man’s crime was shaking down farming families not supporting the wrong nation, but it still sits heavy as a stone in the pit of her stomach; upsets her center of gravity. Ty Lee stands up high in the trees while Toph sits low in the roots. The wind pulls at her hair like a playful friend.

It doesn’t take long before she wants to bounce from limb to limb. Toph is much better at waiting. She’s pulled the dirt around herself like a second skin. Ty Lee imagines that one day Toph will wander into a forest, sit herself down to meditate, and become the statue she imitates so well.

Did you know-, Ty Lee almost says- but Toph shushes her. Their mark appears.

They fight. They win, of course, but not as easily as Ty Lee had expected- he’s desperate to the point where it turns to power. He crushes the ground beneath them to sand and Toph loses her footing. Ty Lee at least takes him by surprise but he surrounds himself with his element so she can’t get close. Eventually Ty Lee chi blocks his arm; which is all that Toph needs to retreat back to solid land and fling her metal to cuff his feet. They get him to the authorities and split the reward between them.

It’s only Toph’s pride that’s bruised truly. Ty Lee makes jokes and gives compliments until Toph is willing to be her sarcastic self again. They end up in a corner booth at a bar with dirt floors. Their drinks have cute little umbrellas in them.

Toph calls her Feather Princess for the light steps she takes. Ty Lee thinks she might like it. When she compliments Toph she receives insults that are complements in disguise, without any words underneath them to prick her. She wants to tell Toph about her aura, about the beams of light that shine from her, as if she’s her own ball of energy.

But Toph will never know anything about auras. She’ll never know the face Ty Lee is making unless Ty Lee lets the other girl’s stubby fingers touch her. Toph doesn’t even know how pretty and pink her face is turning the more Ty Lee tells her how strong she is.

What Toph knows is exactly what she wants. She digs her feet into the Earth and waits for Ty Lee to reach for her.

Kissing Toph feels like sticking the landing after flipping through the air. It feels like waking up, it-

To be honest they both could use a bath. It shouldn’t feel as good as it does.

Toph grips hard on her arms but it doesn’t hurt. It just feels like another part of her body that Toph is paying attention to. It’s-

One of the patrons points. Suddenly Ty Lee doesn’t like feeling so solid.

It’s too _much_. There’s no excuse to make it okay. No boyfriend waiting in the wings. She didn’t know she wanted it until the moment it happened. No, she’s wanted something like this since before she knew what wanting was-

Toph shouts after her, promises to punch anybody who needs to be punched, but doesn’t stop her. Toph knows about running too.

 

\--

 

So, does Ty Lee know she’s gay?

Or does that feeling seem impossible now?

Is any of this something to hold on to, or is it something to run from- the way she couldn’t run away before?

Ty Lee kissed a girl and the world didn't end. No one tried to set her ablaze. She kissed another and still survived. She also still ran.

But then! But then!

The truth is none of these lead Ty Lee to the word we would use to describe her. But they help her to imagine possibilities. A world with desire she can trust.

**Author's Note:**

> Quote taken from “Queer” by Frank Bidart.


End file.
